[twoOPPOSITEthoughtsONtheSAMEday]

7 10 2008

“I made a point of not taking out my ludicrously big, very conspicuous camera until I spoke perfect italian. if anyone was going to mistake me for a turist I could as well be prepared to prove them wrong.”

“in this foreign city, where pedestrian crossings have nearly faded into non-existence and no clock seems to work; where you can’t lean your head against the bus’ windowpane or trust traffic lights, I lie alone crying silently in the tick-less hours, wishing – always wishing – that my grief be washed away by the uneven tides of time.”

まだ一人ぼち。もちろん速く友達ができた。けど、そんな速くも無くなちゃった。この絆は弱すぎるから。

私と同じ人いないかも。とりあえずまだ出会えなかった。いないのかな。

こんな一人ぼちでいつまで生きて行けるのかな。もう行けないの感じがする。

自分の所がまだないよ。自分の世界は建てられるのかな。私の中の世界で十分じゃないでしょうかな。。。

消えたい。自分の私を消したい。もう知らない人の目の前に泣きたくないから。

言葉にもできない。こんな気持ちは説明に大きすぎるんです。

力は無くなちゃった。。。残した一人ぼちだけで生けないと思うんです。

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[anotherQUICKnoteONrome]

6 10 2008

looking at the traffic in rome I wish I never need an ambulance to come to assist me – there is just no way it would make it on time. and at the same time traffic is the reason I cannot be sure I can completely avoid it…





[howTOescapeTHEthaiMAFIA]

5 10 2008

I could tell she didn’t enjoy our sexual encounters. no, that was not it – she did enjoy herself to a certain extent, she took pleasure from it, but never let the pleasure overtake her. I don’t know if I’m making any sense here. it was not that she lacked the physical ability to experience pleasure, more like she didn’t allow herself to. whenever the electric current of fulfilled physical desire was about to bolt through her body she would halt it, hold it at bay like it were too much.

this peculiarity of our relationship didn’t bother me in the least, I swear. her reluctance to let herself go completely was not apparent to just anyone; it wasn’t something she threw at your face. on the contrary, she was amazingly pleasing in bed without seeming servile. she somehow managed the right balance. the first time I noticed this subtlety about her I put all my efforts into making her enjoy sex as much as me, but it quickly became apparent she preferred it her way. I never raised the issue in conversation – after all it was not that sort of relationship. so from then on whenever we made love I tried not to think about it, as if I’d never come to notice. this wasn’t very difficult since at the time a mere look at her body would turn me on – I was young, you see.

she had a long and graceful neck and a straight set of shoulders. her well-shaped breasts were big enough that I couldn’t quite cup them in my hands. her stomach was flat and lean and her hip-bones stood out against the elastic of her panties, leaving a space through which you could catch a glimpse of her pubic hair. whenever we were lying down after making love I would rest my head just above her navel and stare into this secret place. once I told her about my fascination with the way her panties never adjusted right to her lower belly when she lied face-up. she laughed at my remark, but said I could stare as much as I wanted. I spent a lot of time doing this.

it may sound odd but I’m not one to fall asleep automatically after sexual intercourse. sure I feel like someone had sucked the life out of me – in a good, nice sort of way -, but I cannot go to sleep straight away. I normally light up a cigarette, not out of some obscure fancy for old cliches, but because it helps me think – or rather, be lost in thought. most people have some thing or other that triggers a certain mood – you could call it a mood catalyst. my sister, for example, says whenever she has a problem that bothers her she needs to sit on the ground, in the kitchen or the bathroom, in order to wave it away. she is convinced that it’s the sense of enclosure and the cold from the tiles that does it. she’s a weird one, my sister. the girl I slept with also had her own thinking catalysts: the bus or the train. according to her these were the best to cleanse your mind because as you looked at the rushing images through the window, the sheer amount of visual information at such high speed overwhelmed your mind and soon you had to stop paying attention altogether. it sort of made sense to me, though I wouldn’t know for sure since I normally read in the public transports – she said she couldn’t, it gave her a headache.

this is the sort of information I was able to gather throughout our encounters – mismatched pieces of her, small but important details that left the overall picture full of holes nonetheless. I sometimes felt I knew more about her that most people she dealt with on less uncommon situations. this was due to the fact that she never shied away from telling me her personal views or her most intimate secrets.

on an october afternoon we were both in her bed after having had sex. she had dozed off under the warmth of the covers, but I was sitting up against the head-board, musing. I remember it was raining, a downpour, and still we had left the window slightly open. a cold breeze found its way through the slit and along with the hazy light and the rhythmical sound of rain I soon entered a kind of trance. I have always found rainy days oddly calming, reassuring even; as if the homogeneity of rain had the power of evening the world up. that’s why she startled me when she suddenly spoke up from under the bedclothes. I immediately forgot what I had been thinking about – I still don’t remember – and I turned to her with a questioning look.

‘I said I don’t think I can commit suicide. do you know why?’

it bugged me. her comment was odd enough in itself without my being slightly spaced out still. but I just said ‘no, why?’ in a calm tone, as if it were an ordinary conversation between two middle-aged women, discussing the trick to a chicken recipe.

‘because I can’t make up my mind about it.’

‘well, I very much doubt all people who commit suicide are 100% sure about what they are doing.’

‘that’s not what I meant.’ her brow furrowed, not in disapproval of my failure to understand her, but searching for the best way to explain. ‘what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have a clear opinion on it.’

‘you mean a one-side-or-the-other kind of opinion? like with death penalty?’

‘that’s it.’ she added, visibly pleased that I had finally grasped it. ‘I’m not sure if it’s a cowardly act or the bravest one. I mean, in a way, you could think of it as the ultimate escape-way: you feel miserable, you can no longer cope with the world, your life is too painful… so instead of facing your problems you just take flight.’

‘because to continue living is always the hard choice, the one you have to work out.’ as soon as the words came out of my mouth I realised I had made a statement rather than a question. she merely nodded.

‘then again it must take a huge amount of willpower to overcome your natural sense of self-preservation and end your life.’ she rushed the words as if exhaling a big gulp of air she’d been holding for too long. her tone gave the impression she was debating to herself rather than talking to me. ‘have you ever tried to cut yourself or pierce your skin with a needle?’ this time she had looked directly at me, like suddenly remembering I was there. I said I hadn’t.

‘it doesn’t have to be anything serious. did you ever try that kid game where you pierced the upper layer of your skin with a needle to make the illusion it was stuck magically to your palm?’ I shook my head again. ‘no? well, if you had you would know just how difficult self-inflicted pain is. as if there was a kind of invisible barrier between your body and what tries to hurt it. your mind quickly shoots off to show you exactly what sort of pain you would experience if you went any further than imagining it. it feels so real it’s like you have already hurt yourself. I guess it’s an effective way to put you off doing silly things.’

I was out of words. what could I add to that? instead I just stared at her hands with a deep-in-thought expression. she resumed her calm demeanor and exhaled softly.

‘anyway. I was just trying to illustrate how difficult it must be to try to end your life, that’s all.’

‘let me get this straight. you would not commit suicide because you don’t know if that’d make you a coward or a very brave person?’

‘no. I merely can’t give a straight and clear opinion on it because both seem equally true to me. so until I can stick to one of the two I won’t consider the possibility.’

‘that’s… weird.’

‘it’s more about the general idea of how you see things, how you arrange the world around you. I would feel I’m not being honest with myself making a ‘yes-or-no’ decision of something I don’t have a clear view of.’

that afternoon we both smoked a cigarette in silence while we thought to ourselves – whether she was still pondering the strange subject of suicide like me, I don’t know. the rain went on indefinitely, but we never broke our silence, until I ducked into the covers to take a nap.

so these were the sort of things she spontaneously talked to me about. not run-of-the-mill stuff, I’d say, but not all were so creepy. sometimes I wondered why I was with her, not because I felt our relationship had no meaning – which, in truth, I had never paused to consider – but purely out of curiosity. she was no model, no matter how beautiful her breasts were; and certainly the sex, though good, was not something to throw me into a frenzy. and to top it all neither of us seemed inclined to get any deeper into each other’s lives. which in turn got me thinking why she was still seeing me. we had met by chance some time ago outside a mc donald’s in shibuya around 5.30 am. we were both taking a bite after a whole night clubbing, waiting for the trains to run again, and we had stopped in the only place open. she was with a friend, I had seen her drop the girl on a nearby table, fast asleep. somehow she didn’t struck me as drunk, more like utterly exhausted from dancing all night. she left her friend there with their bags – it was not likely anything would happen to them what with only one person out of six awake in the place, that being me – and she went away. I found her downstairs taking a smoke – I don’t know why I followed her; something about her detached manner and bemused smile pulled me up from my seat. or maybe I was just drawn to her because she was the only one in that place besides me that was not unconscious and I needed to talk to the living rather than the dead.

I approached her with the feeble excuse of asking for a cigarette, though I didn’t smoke at the time. she flashed that bemused smile at me and pulled out a package of mild sevens, flipping the lid open and sliding one out with a quick move of her thumb. she then lit it without waiting for me to ask her to. I don’t remember how we started the conversation, whether it was her or me who spoke up first, but I know I didn’t ask for her name straight away and neither did she. I seem to recall I inquired her about what she was doing here in tokyo, too obviously a foreigner to pass for one of the locals. her answer startled me a little, like they would never fail to do from then on.

‘what I do is not important. it’s of no interest, really.’ she added when she saw my reaction. ‘what do you do?’

I frowned, slightly taken aback. or it might have been that I was more tired than I had thought and my mind was a little too slow. she let out a low chuckle.

‘forgive me. if you don’t think it’s fair for me to ask you that when I’m refusing to answer you I will rephrase my question: what would you like to be doing?’

this didn’t help my struggling mind anymore than her previous question. I was so concentrated in getting it started that I thought I could hear the wheels and cogs screeching through the rust. meanwhile the column of ash that had formed in my forgotten cigarette was overpowered by gravity and fell to a puddle in the ground. I brought the cigarette almost reflexively to my mouth and took a drag. only a few seconds had passed.

‘I’m inviting you to tell me a lie – creative or not, it doesn’t matter.’ she continued, encouraging me.

‘I don’t know what I’d like to be doing. I’m not sure it isn’t what I’m actually doing.’

‘humpf. then you must be one of a kind, because people are never doing what they want. it’s part of the human condition.’

‘I could think of some who are though.’

‘I’m not saying that we deliberately choose the opposite to what we like, quite the contrary. those who can choose will go for what they want and sure enough it works. for a limited amount of time, of course. because it’s inevitable that you’ll grow to want something else, something you don’t have yet.’

I took another drag of the cigarette afraid the wind would smoke it before I could.

‘so,’ she suddenly broke the silence again, throwing away the still steaming butt of her cigarette and kicking it expertly to the nearest sewer. ‘ going back to our previous game, what would you be doing if you were doing what you want? I’ll start if you like,’ she continued quickly. ‘but we have to do it properly, start this conversation again. ask me your first question as if none of this had happened.’

I complied, relieved for the first time tonight that her request was so simple. ‘what are you doing in tokyo, if I may ask?’ I repeated affectedly, like an actor in a rehearsal going over the dialogues for the hundredth time. she nodded in approval and assumed her actress voice:

‘ahh… I’m running away from the thai mafia from the time I was a prostitute in bangkok. I now work the night shift in a love-ho up the hill and sleep in a different place each day: manga kissaten, cap hotel…’

‘why would you be a prostitute in thailand?’ I snapped. ‘wait, is this really what you would like to be doing?’ I was suddenly more alert than before. her story had not shocked me so much as it had piqued my curiosity. she wasn’t the least bit shaken by my question either.

‘I was backpacking around southeast asia when I run out of money in bangkok. did the wrong favor to the wrong person to get some easy cash to fly back home, but didn’t make it as far as the airport gates.’ the words came out naturally, effortlessly, as if she were rather recalling and not making it up. she never once looked at me while she told her story, this might have been a habit of hers. ‘the answer to your second question is maybe.’

there was a short silence. ‘how did you get away? from the thai mafia I mean.’

‘it wouldn’t be of any use to you if you found yourself in the same situation.’ she smiled half to herself, then looked up at me. ‘another cigarette?’

as she held the package of mild sevens to me I realised my neglected cigarette had expired between my index and middle finger. ‘yes.’ I stuttered, reaching for the package. but she took it away before I could grab it.

‘why? you don’t smoke.’

I stared at her in bewilderment and asked sheepishly: ‘is it that obvious?’

again that clear chuckle, like the sound of tiny bells.

‘even without the giveaway of the lame excuse to star up a conversation? yeah, it is. you don’t have the habit, don’t look comfortable with it in your hand, haven’t developed smoker gestures. instead you hold yourself a little too stiffly, as if you had recently had your hand cut off and you didn’t know how to compensate for it.’

‘wow. and here I thought I was putting up a fairly decent act.’

we continued our unusual conversation. I came up with a story of my own, but I don’t remember how it went now – it was something like employee of a batting center, in charge of collecting stray baseballs, I think. we didn’t have sex that day because she couldn’t just leave her friend there to wake up to the racket and greasy smell of mc donalds. but we exchanged numbers without promising to call – which in 9 out of 10 times it’s a guaranty that you will surely hear from the other person. and sure enough, barely a week after our brief encounter she called me and asked if I cared to meet her in a café in kichijouji, not far from her house.

the place in question turned out to be just next to one of the entrances to inokashira park. one of its walls curved along the first line of giant trees that grew on a pronounced slope, it was made of glass. a long wooden bar stretched itself all the way down the glass wall, old black leather stools scattered along it. I must say the décor wasn’t much to speak of and the atmosphere was not exactly lively either – maybe because of the dim light or maybe because it was a cloudy summer day and the mood was a little on the down side. nevertheless, she said she liked the gaudy place mainly for its italian coffee, its pumpkin ice-cream and the fact that it was full of stray cats running loose or taking a nap on an empty stool. we stayed long enough for her to finish her ice-cream and smoke through her last cigarettes. I didn’t ask her for smoke – I knew better than that.

as it turned out, she worked for a small but good company where she had been doing her internship a year and a half before. this seemed appropriate to me – you don’t go rumbling happily about how miserable your life is unless it’s not true. she told me the company paid for her accommodation – which gave me the clue that the company was faring pretty well for itself. it was a shared-house, western style, like most of the houses in the area. she lived with three other people who kept changing from time to time: one would go, another would come… and so on. she had her own room to herself; that was part of the house deal: you shared the common spaces and if you wanted some privacy you only had to retreat to your room. we spent a lot of time in that room. I liked it better than my own hole of an apartment – it felt… homey. an odd thing, considering we were not that kind of couple. in fact, we were not a couple at all, no matter how you looked at it. we were merely two people who met occasionally to make love and sometimes talk about the subtleties of why you should or shouldn’t commit suicide.

that first time we had had the house to ourselves. we could have made love all over the place, but I was the one who insisted that we keep to her room. later on we would do it in the shower, public toilets, the backseat of my car and once even in the office I worked in, one night I had to stay fixing someone else’s mistakes.

in the beginning I didn’t notice anything strange in her. we hit it off pretty quickly and had good sex. as the time passed though, her problem became apparent to me. the sex had not changed, it was me. I had grown more attuned to her, could read her and understand her better. and suddenly there it was, that barrier that contained all strong emotions, keeping them at bay. I would watch as the natural result of physical pleasure rode her body, making her flex her toes and arc her back, and then stop abruptly before it reached her eyes. afterward, I would turn the thought in my head while she slept soundlessly beside me. once I even considered the possibility of her having had some bad experience with men and sex before. but most of the time I was convinced it was just fear. fear of letting herself loose, of giving up control and surrender to something unknown and powerful. maybe that was her problem all along. she couldn’t bear the thought of losing control, so she was never able to fully understand herself, to know her limits and the extent of her own self.

I guess I loved her, in my imperfect way. the only way to love imperfect things.

she finally got her straight view on suicide an unusually cold may morning. I never got to know which of the two she had decide upon, but she did leave a message for me. one of her housemates, the girl who had collapsed on a table at mc donald’s the day we had met, handed me a blank envelope with my name written on it the day of the funeral. her eyes were rimmed with red from crying, but in all this time I had been seeing her friend we hadn’t so much as crossed a couple of words, so I didn’t know what to say to console her. now that I am older and more experienced I could come up with some lines for such an occasion, but back then I was too young, too shocked and too sucked up into my own sorrow to sympathise with anyone else. I just took the envelope from her with a nod and wandered off awkwardly. I only saw her once after that, some years later, in a fancy terrace in central tokyo. she was having brunch with some girl friends and I was meeting a man for business purposes. when we happened to see each other she merely nodded in acknowledgment, stared at me for a few seconds and turned her attention back to the conversation at her table. it was only natural, there was nothing binding us anymore.

the day of the funeral I ended up in her room wanting some privacy to read the letter she had left behind for me. it didn’t surprise me that it wasn’t the typical suicide message – after all, nothing about her had been ordinary from the start. why would it change now? she didn’t explain why she had done it and neither did she say ‘goodbye’ or ‘I love you’. what I had in front of me, written in her tiny, neat handwriting was the story of how she had escaped the thai mafia.

there’s no point in reproducing the tale here now, because even if you found yourself in the same situation it would be of no use to you anyway.

‘why did she have to die?’ the little one asked me.

‘all stories end with death eventually. or you could say that death ends everything. whichever you prefer.’ I said.





[toBREATHorNOTtoBREATH] a quick note on rome

4 10 2008

these last days I’ve found myself thinking about my first year in architecture school. more specifically about art lessons. there we were 60 or so freshmen – kids still – roaming around disconcertedly in the basement classroom we called “the museum” and which reminded me of an egyptian temple’s hypostyle hall (with row after row of columns and poorly lit). each of us faced a huge piece of paper clipped to a wobbly easel and scratched at it ferociously with charcoal-bars. we would easily run out of a couple of thess thick teaks every lesson, so you can imagine with our scrubbing we produced enough charcoal dust to make us look like real chimney-sweeps by the end of class. in fact we would go to the toilets at intervals to get some of the fith off before it started to feel comfortable with us and when we blew our noses the tissue would come out black. I can only think of a charcoal miner breathing this black dust in and out his lungs for decades, just like we did for that first year. but at the time we didn’t mind this very much – I suspect we were all secretly amused by our charcoal tainted buggies -; and as much as we liked to complain about how all our stuff was covered in dust too, we actually enjoyed it as part of our new uni life. sometimes we would rush out after class and forget to look in the mirror, thus walking around all blotted with charcoal and then realise upon getting home why everybody in the bus had stared at us in disbelieve. we didn’t mind this either, we bore it as a proof that we were architecture students, out pride boosting with the uniqueness of our treats. we were such kids.

so now, four years after, I find myself recalling this episode of my life with a little longing for the 18 year-old I was then. what triggered it was not so endearing though. the weather has been rather unstable in rome as of late. consequently I’ve been getting a runny nose now and again for a week and whenever I blew it I would discover to my utter amazement that the tissue came out black. just like the time we worked our way through bar after bar of charcoal in a poor attempt at an abstract picture. but now I hadn’t had a sniff of the thing for years! the only answer that I could come up with is that rome’s air is so polluted you could as well be breathing in and out a chimney! this though bothers me a little, to tell you the truth, because I have to live here for the next 10 months…





[eyesTHATwerePASTcrying]

3 10 2008

eyes that were past crying or the busy bank employee

I flipped uncomfortably through the pages of my book, slightly aware that reading a novel was not the average way of waiting for your bank attendant to get back from an errand. of course, since this was my first time alone in a bank I wouldn’t know the procedures for sure. still I closed my book guiltily at the first hint of footsteps. I rested the paperback on my lap ’till the footsteps had trailed away, not stopping at my cubicle.

deciding the stress of taking out and concealing the book every other second would get me nowhere with the story I gave up reading and took instead to looking around the small working place. the L-shaped desk took up most of the space there, behind it the blue upholstery chair stood empty now. the back wall was covered in nondescript metal filling-cabinets, the door to one of them slightly ajar. I could see row after row of pink folders, just like the ones laid on the desk. it struck me that such a modern bank would keep physical files of its clients, I thought everything nowadays was stored in a hard-disk. but of course computers are not infallible.

I stared for a moment at one of these folders, some photocopies of what looked like an old driving license had slipped out of place. I didn’t bother to look at the name since the document was upside down, but the word ROMA caught my eye as it was written in capital letters.

the bank employee chose that moment to rush back into the cubicle, the gush of wind he brought with him made the leaflets on the wall to my right flutter. they advertised special accounts for young people or students, stressing the point that they only charged one euro per month. I didn’t linger on them for long, you could find them all over the bank and I had read my share of them while waiting. the attendant said something very quickly in italian. distracted as I was it took me some time to realise he had just been talking to himself. I nodded in acknowledgement nonetheless and concentrated on my up-tight pose: legs closed to the point my knees were tightly pressed together, my arms cradling my coat and bag stiffly on my lap, a visible tension clinging to my shoulders. I don’t know if the bank attendant noticed how apprehensive I looked, how closely I was watching my movements so as not to step out of line. I somehow very much doubt so.

as I waited for him to either come up with a solution to my problem or address me – whichever came first – I fell back to scanning the room. beside the desk, leaning on the leaflet crowded wall was a small side-table that matched the filling-cabinets. the top was loaded with random documents I couldn’t distinguish from my sitting place and probably this morning’s paper folded in two. the lower shelf curved under the weight of a sturdy-looking safety-ward the colour of fir leaves. a tiny but distinctive key stuck out of the keyhole, if it was holding something important inside, why would they leave the key on? I waved away the though as soon as it formed, suddenly more interested in other matters: the pronounced bent in the metal shelf got me wondering if it had happened overtime or the moment they placed the safety-ward on it. somehow both images seemed curiously implausible to me – the metal layer slowly, imperceptibly giving in under the excess of weight day after day for who knew how many years; and the more comic scene of it shaping itself instantly like the bottom of the sturdy box.

my silly thoughts were interrupted again by the sudden leave of the bank employee. I stole some more glances at the abused metal side-table, but the magic of the moment was gone, the piece of furniture no longer held any fascination for me. it was just some severely dented metal side-table that would have never caught my attention if I hadn’t had so much time in my hands.

I gave the room another quick sweep, just out of habit. this time my eyes came to rest on a childish drawing stuck to the wall. I recalled vaguely seeing something similar in another cubicle, the one belonging to the attendant of the previous visit. it had looked like the sort of handmade gift of “mother’s day”. the word “married” lit up in my mind as a logical consequence to seeing the drawing. excited by the thought of finding other clues as to who this nondescript bank employee really was I payed closer attention to the objects on his desk: a stack of clean post-it, uncapped blue pens with the bank logo printed on the side, a bubble-shaped paper-weight holding nothing down and a small figurine of a turtle painted in bright, absurd colours – it looked like some kind of souvenir, but apart from that I couldn’t make out anything of it. and then, leaning against the side of the CPU and facing the guests’ seat rather than the owner of the desk, was a personal photograph. a medium shot of a young man holding a woman in his arms, low hills covered in green and scattered firs on the background. the scenery reminded me oddly of switzerland. the man was very clearly my busy bank employee, only something was slightly wrong with him – I couldn’t quite put my finger on it yet. the woman was on her late twenties, early thirties, blond like him, her straight hair falling just below her shoulders. they both wore casual clothes – a plain white T-shirt and a blue polo shirt – as would be fitting for hiking or a day in the countryside. his arms wrapped around the woman drawing her closely to him and she in turn rested her head lightly on his shoulder. the more I looked at the picture the more disturbed I became. something about it bothered me, though in truth it looked too much like a “happy family” ad to give anyone the creeps.

I couldn’t chew on it any further as my bank attendant was already back again. this time I took a better look at him in search of the differences with the man on the photograph. he had lost some weight with the years, that was immediately evident just by looking him in the face – the younger man’s chicks were fleshier, not in a puffy but in a healthy way. his shoulders and back were broader too, like those of a sportsman. the man typing on the computer in front of me was still attractive enough (the hair line receding a bit), but the light that had sparkled behind his eyes was long gone. and suddenly it hit me, the reason the photograph had unsettled me before: when you looked at it you got the feeling that the woman was surely, irrevocably dead now. I don’t know how I had come to that conclusion, but my whole body cried out with the feeling of loss. it was certainly unfounded and stupid to think so, still it was the feeling I got.

my eyes trailed back to my bank employee and rested on his left hand: a very simple gold band adorned his ring finger, a sign that he was still married – whether to the woman on the photograph or not I couldn’t know. I wasn’t an expert, but I was under the impression widowers took off their wedding rings and stored them away following some kind of social convention. and yet the woman’s eyes had a sad, weary look to them that mismatched his glowing expression. it was as if her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, couldn’t quite reach them. still her face looked calm and tender, like she were quietly saying goodbye, knowing from long ago that she wouldn’t be around much longer.

none of these feelings could be registered in his face, so it could be assumed he knew nothing about it at the time. I suddenly thought again of the awkward arrangement of the photograph, facing outwards, like casted away. then again the whole desk was such a mess it could very well mean nothing at all. my idle mind was quick to make assumptions, especially when deprived from reading.

after I left the bank, the image of the couple lingered in my mind. her face transmitted and oddly reassuring sense of peace – it said “everything is going to be alright”. and at the same time, even if you wanted to believe her, you know without a doubt that it wasn’t true. you could see the sadness welling up in her eyes like unshed tears – in eyes that were probably past crying. my heart contracted again with the pain of great loss – someone else’s, but real nonetheless. and then I let the images of the city take over my gloomy thoughts as I rode on a bus downtown.





[elCUERVOyLAcampanitaDEcristal]

2 10 2008

me quedo con japón; con sus pajitas extensibles, sus frigoríficos parlantes y sus donuts con sabor a té verde.
desde este parque se oye el tintineo de una campanita de cristal, colgada en la terraza de alguna casa con un váter que te limpia el culo con apretar un botón. una joven con una larga melena de un rubio improbable pasa cojeando delante de mí; toda su atención puesta en el móvil último modelo con pantalla panorámica y acceso a canales de televisión. cuajado de diminutos cristalitos adhesivos, el aparato centellea bajo la luz de las farolas.
los cuervos, grandes como gatos adultos, graznan intermitentemente desde sus tronos en los postes de electricidad. a veces los ves manchar el cielo con su silueta gorda y negra, batiendo sus enormes alas con un peculiar sonido: como el sacudir de sábanas limpias.
sentada en un columpio de un parque cualquiera espero la llegada de una de estas aves. imagino que se acerca cautelosa – las huellas de sus patas clavándose en la arena bajo su peso -, gira la cabeza para fijar en mí uno de sus brillantes ojos negro-azulados y entonces el feroz tamaño de su pico se hace por fin aparente.
podría sacarme los ojos de las cuencas con ese pico, podría destrozarme la cara y las manos… sin embargo, el cuervo permanece impasible, estudiándome. la campanita de cristal suena de nuevo – un viento que no llego a percibir debe de estar haciéndole cosquillas.
el cuervo avanza de nuevo hacia mí, sorteando las colillas aplastadas de alguien que no se preocupó de recogerlas. entonces ocurre lo imposible – o improbable – : el cuervo se dirige a mí en su extraño idioma de cuervo, con su voz negra y rota, como de fumador de dos cajetillas al día, y comparte conmigo un pedacito de su sabiduría. un trocito de ese futuro que sólo algunas aves ven porque están siempre observando desde lo alto. “el gato de la tienda de la esquina no se mueve de la ventana”. reparo en que usa el presente simple, pero claro, cuando siempre hablas del futuro, los tiempos verbales se vuelven como las gotas de aceite al sol: una suerte de colores que ya no saben dónde empiezan o acaban. con esto se marcha de nuevo a velar el sueño de la ciudad.

ya no se oye la campanita, ya no pasa nadie frente al parque. pero aún no puedo cerrar los ojos.

las luces parpadeantes de las máquinas expendedoras parecen observarme desde la oscuridad de un callejón con salida exclusiva para seres nocturnos y muy pequeños. decenas de ojillos rojos parpadean desde el orden hipodámico de la máquina de tabaco. reconozco algunas marcas pero mi atención se centra en las cajetillas ligeramente más largas y los diseños neo-novecentistas sobre fondo rosa palo de unos “virginia slim” – mentolados, por supuesto. intento imaginarme a un hombre de mediana edad adquiriendo unos cigarrillos de la graciosa cajetilla rosa, pero la imagen no termina de cuajar en mi mente. entonces recuerdo un cartel – igualmente rosa, esta vez en tono cereza – en la ventanilla de un vagón del metro anunciando “coche de uso exclusivo para mujeres”. como tantas otras cosas en Japón, hay dos versiones, según el género. uno puede ir a un メイド・カフェ para que le sirvan señoritas de veintipocos años, ataviadas con trajes de sirvienta francesa – cofia incluida – y se arrodillen ante ti mientras escriben frases cursis con el bote de ketchup sobre tu tortilla “francesa”. también puedes elegir un しつじ・カフェ en el que la versión masculina de la “sirvienta francesa” – el “mayordomo inglés”, una incongruencia más de estas cosas de la servidumbre – hará lo propio, pero esta vez sin florecitas ni corazoncitos de ketchup.

mis pensamientos vuelven al cuervo y su enigmático mensaje. distingo un aleteo entre los arbustos – por cómo suena debe de tratarse de un bicho grande, quizás una mariposa azul y negra, con las alas tan grandes como la palma de mi mano. me siento tentada de usarla como correo postal para llamar al cuervo, pero no sé qué tinta se usa para escribir sobre polvo de ala de mariposa. tendré que dejarlo pasar.

el duermevela de los locales de la calle comercial me irrita ligeramente. por la noche se descubre un barrio nuevo, distinto del que anda trajinando bajo la luz del sol – será la influencia de la luz blanquecina de las farolas? por la noche emergen tiendas y rótulos que durante el día quedan ocultos bajo el bullicio y el ruido de la actividad diurna. hago un esfuerzo por recordar estos lugares – que parecen existir tan sólo en este universo silencioso y nocturno – pero estoy segura de que no servirá de nada, mañana volverán sin remedio a su anonimato rutinario y desaparecerán de la vista.

no ceso de pasar por delante de callejones oscuros, imposiblemente estrechos, como refugios de sombras cansadas de seguir a sus dueños todo el día. en ocasiones vislumbro unos metros más al fondo una escalera destartalada e igualmente estrecha y me pregunto a la casa de qué sombra llevará.
en mi aventura nocturna descubro que no estoy sola en esta hora insomne: trabajadores azarosos realizan en silencio obras en la carretera. su presencia pasa totalmente desapercibida por la población durmiente y su leve rastro de alquitrán y asfalto recién echados no hará a nadie girar la cabeza mañana.
me despido de estas humildes abejas silenciosas – tras mis ojos queda aún impresa la luz roja de sus señales indicadoras, como brazos luminosos oscilando en la oscuridad.
más actividad al final de la calle. apretujadas unas contra otras, una docena de bicicletas esperan frente al 24 horas como perros fieles limitados por la extensión de su correa (o el candado de su rueda trasera). nada interesante por aquí. sólo productos pre-fabricados, pre-cocinados, pre-digeridos… casi pre-cagados. revistas del mes que viene, ensaladas con fecha de caducidad de ayer, un frigorífico vacío con dos tristes onigiri rosas, otro a rebosar con helados en coloridos y llamativos envoltorios anunciando sabor a calpis y té verde. el café del starbucks en una taza de plástico, fanta de uva morada, zumo de melocotón rosa como un culito feliz. estante tras estante de rámen instantáneo, comida enlatada y dulces de chocolate a la fresa; chicles en pastilla con envoltorio individual… periódicos de poco contenido y revistas de menor contenido aún: publicidad, artículos sobre bienes de consumo y algún reportaje sobre un ídolo japonés del momento; a su lado, portada tras portada exhibiendo chicas jóvenes de grandes pechos, ligeras de ropa.
busco el café con leche más barato que haya: lata, botella de plástico, taza o tetrabrik? tener demasiadas opciones a las 2 am es contraproducente…

regreso a mi columpio, a mi parque, con esa espantosa escultura en bronce de un niño-bebé japonés. pobre niño negrito a la entrada del parque, qué imagen tan perturbadora ver una estatua vestida con ropa infantil de verdad.
las cadenas del columpio chirrían suavemente con mi lento pero persistente balancear. mi tetrabrik de “café au lait” viene con pajita extensible incluida – me siento como un marinero desplegando su catalejo, dispuesto a escrutinar un mar de leche, café y sacarosa baratos. un gato negro de rabo corto hace su ronda nocturna ignorándome por completo. bajo la creciente oscuridad su cuerpo desaparece y tan solo tres motas blancas a ras de suelo avanzan con ritmo constante entre las sombras. tres motas blancas – dos se acercan, una se aleja, dos se alejan… si no hubiésemos visto al gato de rabo corto antes podríamos pensar que tres motas autónomas hacen su ronda nocturna por el parque.

el silencio va haciéndose más evidente – tanto que tengo que taparme los oídos para no oírlo. retomo el balanceo para que la conversación de las cadenas me acompañe y entonces reparo en la estructura completa de estos columpios: tobogán, barras y caseta cónica de metal coloreados con pinturas infantiles, comidas por el sol. parece que palideciese ante el paso del tiempo, como la madera del balancín con forma de caballito-pony, guardando un precario equilibrio a la espera de que el culo de algún niño ocupe su silla de montar.

sigo sin tener sueño, pero los ojos me escuecen por la falta de luz y el exceso de uso. aún no he descubierto qué tinta se usa para escribir sobre polvo de ala de mariposa. aún no he conseguido que el maldito gato se fije en mí.

el cielo ya se quema en colores rojizos y azulados en el horizonte – imposible saber si por la polución lumínica o las primeras cabezadas del sol, no tengo reloj. el tiempo no existe en pequeñas cantidades cuando no tenemos con qué registrar su paso.

mi bicicleta me mira triste desde la barrera del parque. intuye que no volveremos juntas esta noche – las bicicletas tienen buena intuición, como los animales. como mi amigo el gato que me ignora deliberadamente.
abandono mi descolorido columpio de asiento de goma amarilla y comienzo a andar tras el testarudo felino de tres patas blancas. me adapto a su ritmo – no es fácil, yo sólo tengo dos piernas – y lo sigo pasados los caballitos-balancín y el banco sembrado de colillas. me lleva hasta los arbustos de antes, donde revoloteaba el bicho probablemente grande, y desaparece entre el follaje. es curioso, juraría que los arbustos me llegaban a la altura del pecho, pero ahora me cubren por completo. he perdido de vista los columpios y el banco y a mi fiel y resignada bicicleta. ahora que lo pienso, también he perdido de vista el gato.

la campanita de cristal suena una última vez. se oye aleteo de sábanas negras. un destello negro-azulado, como un descuido de la luz sobre una esfera perfecta. un graznido familiar: “dos cuervos mancharán el cielo frío del alba”.

終わり





[my boring life without korin and jen]

11 07 2008

yeah… my life has been sort’a boring this last week due to korin and jen going back home. even though I now hang around with my classmates it’s not the same – nobody will be able to substitute them! I am so glad I met them upon arriving here! but now I miss them so much. in a way it was pretty weird living my first days as if they were my last – since they were their last days.

so maybe that’s why I haven’t written lately – I haven’t done much this week… just gone to class and back home to study. I guess I could explain 他動詞 and 自動詞 pretty well by now, but that is not very interesting, is it? (though probably 明子ちゃん might like to know – mental note to post a briefing about transitive and intransitive verbs in japanese.)

the first days I didn’t hang out with the people from class because I wanted to make the most of the little time I had left with jen and korin. so everyday would go like this: william (brazilian guy that looks anything but brazilian) would say 「約束がない人はだれ?」 – “anyone free today?” – and whoever didn’t have any plans would join for lunch. I was always like: [ゴメン!いっしょうに住んだ人はすぐ帰国するんですが、今日もう約束した。来週からかならずひまです!」 – “sorry! since my room mates are leaving soon I already made an appointment with them. but next week I’ll be free for sure!”. the thing id this week we could only go out for lunch twice! everybody had something to do! it’s soooo boring getting to an empty home and waiting for miki to come…

fortunately I met a girl from another class who’s only staying for a month and wants to make the most of it, so she always proposes to go somewhere. the first day she took bertile (french girl from my class) to 代官山 (daikanyama), a district next to 渋谷 (shibuya) that’s pretty quiet and nice to walk around. also, it’s full of small indie shops and little cafes – it was funny how most of them sported foreign names (mostly french, as if that made them more stylish…) since the shops are pretty exclusive, prices were a little out of our budget, but it was nice however to get away from the craziness of shibuya.

this is what I meant by small shops.

today we went out to eat too. it’s amazing how well you can eat at tokyo for a pittance. if you go to traditional japanese restaurants you can have a full meal for 500 to 700 yen (3 or 5 euros). most meals include rice and miso soup and a small appetizer; water is served for free and the only thing that changes is the main dish.

afterwards we went to 原宿 (harajuku) – yes, again. I bought a very nice sleeveless sweater with cat ears attached to the hood. jen had the same one – I cut the red ribbon, jen, just like you did, it looked horrible.

it has a cat’s tail sewed to the back too. I think I look like [shiro] from [tekkonkinkreet] in it.

lorenzo (italian) was hunting for gothic clothing so we went to a basement shop that looked fairly interesting. I will take a picture of it next time because you must not, under any circumstances go there. the seller was this old weird woman who kept going off the handle whenever we made a face that suggested we found the prices a little high. she would keep bragging about how elaborate the designs were and how much time it had taken the artist and so on; she even slapped us from time to time. so fucking rude! we had to run away, literally…

so tomorrow it’s harajuku again and then maybe ikebukuro (still don’t know how to write it in kanji). and in the afternoon I’ll be meeting miki and brian (her boyfriend) to go to the edo era museum. oh! and also, I’ll be probably getting a bike this weekend from 戸越 (togoshi) house because the people there don’t use them. then I’ll be able to ride around 戸越 and go to [book off] – second hand bookshop – as many times as I like! yeah, go me!

oops! I nearly forgot. this is my room – my own private room, no more sleeping in the living-room, あああ。。。いい気持ち。。。

  

even if it’s difficult to see, those two white points hanging from the lamp cord are

glowing [kodama] I bought at [kiddyland] :9

and these are the last issues of [myojo], [potato], [duet] and [winkup]. all of them feature 嵐’s last summer concerts, NEWS, KAT-TUN, kinky kids, [maou] and .

if I somehow get hold of a scanner I'll post the scans - taking photographs of the pages still doesn't convince me...